Best Commercial of 2009

No more words -- just enjoy:

Is Michael Vick the Devil?

I'm not quite certain that I understand, so maybe you can help me out.

Correct me if I'm wrong -- but it was my understanding that the point of incarceration was to remove a criminal from society, thus providing the opportunity for one to reflect on the crimes perpetrated (and as punishment for said actions).

Again, correct me if I'm wrong -- but this is what happened with Michael Vick. He committed an admittedly HEINOUS crime and served 2 years as punishment, in addition to the hundreds of millions in lost salary & endorsements. He had to file for bankruptcy protection as his liquid assets were quickly wiped out. He missed valuable time with his young children, even missing the birth of his youngest daughter. He must live daily with the fact that he allowed something unconscionable to happen on his watch, nearly losing everything that he had in the process. So why was this not enough?

The man hasn't played in the NFL in 3 years but there are some who feel that this is not punishment enough. When the Eagles announced yesterday that they'd signed him, the reaction was so mixed... some immediately sold their season tix online, while some were frothing at the mouth just thinking about the offensive nightmare the Birds could become.

There are some that will never give him a chance to prove that he's learned from his mistakes and that he can become an example for others. The man isn't even 30 years old -- he has PLENTY of time to make things right. Speaking of making things right, I'm further confused by the fact that Donte Stallworth did not generate a fraction of the outrage expressed toward Michael Vick. Let's look at the "tale of the tape" shall we?

Michael Vick
Crime: Financing a vicious dogfighting ring, conducted at a residence that he owned.

Punishment: Two year jail sentence & concurrent NFL suspension, expected to extend into October. Not allowed to own dogs anymore.

Public Reaction: Extreme outrage, to the extent that some would have him killed in the same manner as the dogs.

Donte Stallworth
Crime: Got high & drunk while out partying one night. Drove his luxury car down a busy street and plowed into a motorist, killing him.

Punishment: Thirty day jail sentence & 1 year NFL suspension. Never allowed to drive again. Also made settlement with family as part of his plea.

Public Reaction: Has there been any? This got nowhere near the airtime & scrutiny that Vick got the day the Eagles signed him, let alone since the incident first happened.

And don't even get me started on Rick Pitino...

Sure, the public reacted to Stallworth -- but can anyone in their right mind say that it even compares to Vick? Vick's actions led to the deaths of scores of dogs, while Stallworth got high/drunk and killed a human being. Unless we're giving Stallworth a pass for being inebriated, I just don't get it. Human beings will always come before dogs on my hierarchy, no matter how you slice it. Who would you rather your daughter bring home: a dogfighter or a serial rapist? Again, I'm not saying that it's okay, but I feel like it needs to be put into perspective a bit. Dogfighting is cruel, but deer hunting for sport is even worse in my opinion. Killing those innocent animals just to put a new head on your wall? I guess killing is perfectly moral when you have a license for it.

I'm not saying that Vick is an angel -- I know he screwed up BIG TIME and committed a DEPLORABLE act... but much like a man who has cheated on his wife, he is asking for a second chance. He has paid his debt to society and is looking to become a productive member again. I just ask that we give the man a chance to make good on his promise. Now if he pulls an Adam "Pacman" Jones and relapses by even so much LOOKING at a dog twice, we can revisit this topic... At that point, I can assure you that my post would be short & sweet:

THROW THE FUCKING BOOK AT HIM.

Ankle Insurance -- Get some!

Courtesy of Nike and Kobe Bryant... please enjoy:



For more ankle-breaking fun, check out the official site.

Peek-a-boo!

How on Earth have you all been? I feel like I've been gone for years! I've been busier than a hooker on payday and just haven't had much time to post. Unfortunately, I bit the bullet and picked up a second gig. I know what you're thinking -- "WTF?!?!?" Yeah, so am I. I work many 14-15 hour days, raise my dog for about 15-20 minutes and sleep for about 25 seconds per night (Ed: That's a Dave Chappelle reference, in case you've not had the pleasure of watching "For What It's Worth"). Basically, I just figured it was time to buckle down and attack my opponent (debt) like a political ad.

Speaking of which, have you been keeping up with politics? I don't normally indulge much in it myself, but with the upcoming elections I felt that it would only be right to pay a little attention. I can summarize my experience thus far, as such:

I really hate political ads.

It has been very interesting and I'm looking forward to the elections. I can't wait to see how things turn out in November... but Alicia Keys wants me to vote for Barack Obama -- and who am I to disappoint her?

Exactly.

***Note: I had to stop writing for about 5 minutes because I was entranced by a combination of Alicia Keys, Gabrielle Union, Keri Hilson, Lauren London and Ashanti's delectable frames on 106 & Park... whew.

I mean, that's a lot of sexy for one man to absorb in a short span of time. While I'm at it, how about Paula Patton? I was mesmerized when I saw "Idlewild." Seriously. I could continue on this tangent forever, but I'll end it with this: you know that woman is doing it something serious for her husband to write a song like "Lost Without U" about her...***

I really hate political ads.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good these days. Making big plans for the future and taking steps toward achieving the brand of professional success that I've been seeking has been gratifying. I still have a way to go, but I'm certainly on the right track. I'm eager to see where...

I really hate political ads.

...things go from here. I mean, I'm no Daunte Culpepper -- I won't quit. I'll ride the bench on a CFL squad before I give up.

I really hate political ads.

So what have you wonderful people been doing (besides avoiding BET like the black plague)?

Wrestlemania XXIV

XXIV = 24, for the Roman numerically-challenged.

That's right -- I'm a wrestling fan, born and raised. It's in my blood. I enjoy it and watch it on a different level than most. I can break things down that you wouldn't believe, considering that match endings are choreographed. Let's just say this: it's a man's soap opera, and I'm a man who enjoys it.

Now with that being said, I understand that the quality (read: WWE) has deteriorated greatly in the past few years; however, the "Super Bowl" of wrestling aka Wrestlemania is rapidly approaching and there is a media frenzy around it. Why is that, you ask? Simple: "Pretty Boy" Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is participating in a match this year.

Yes -- you read that right. He's fighting in a few weeks... and it made me think about the other times that athletes from other professions have dared to enter the squared circle. This is what I've found:

I'd forgotten all about Muhammad Ali jumping into the ring against Antonio Inoki, the Japanese wrestling equivalent of Hulk Hogan. The match was so stiff that Ali actually spent time in the hospital afterward due to the blood clots that he developed in his legs from all the hard kicks. Inoki allegedly was kicking him extra hard because he was frustrated that they couldn't come to an accord on how the match would end. Apparently, Ali didn't learn his lesson and decided to go back for more in a fight against Gorilla Monsoon soon thereafter. One airplane spin later, Cassius Clay put the boots away for good.

Joe Louis is another boxing great who took his shot at the squared circle. He wasn't very good, but his career didn't end until he had a match with a rather clumsy wrestler who plopped down on him in such an awkward fashion that he actually injured Joe's heart. As you would imagine, his physician naturally (and soundly) suggested that he look elsewhere for his next paycheck.

Now, we have "Pretty Boy" Floyd aka "Money" Mayweather (159 lbs) getting ready to square off against "The Big Show" Paul Wight (441 lbs). What is the over-under that Floyd is going to be the next to get legitimately injured in some way (especially by that behemoth mountain of a man who is probably none-too-happy that Floyd is allegedly receiving a $20 million paycheck for his appearance)? I'll bet it's pretty ugly.

18-1

I'll try to keep this one short and sweet for you, guys... because there isn't much that I need to say here that wasn't already emphatically stated last night in Arizona on that football field:

All that talk about utter domination can cease now. As much as it pained me, I was cheering for the Giants. Why? Simple -- they played brilliantly down the stretch. Before the game against the Cowboys, I was nervous all week. I knew that the 'Boys weren't playing up to par and that the Giants were on FIRE -- little did I know how hot they truly were. They went on to beat three of the best teams in the NFL and win Super Bowl XLII against all odds (speaking of odds, why didn't I bet on them? I'd be paying someone else to ghost-write this blog as we speak).

Spurred on late by a seemingly supernatural catch by David Tyree, the Giants rallied from a late 4th quarter deficit to defeat the New England Patriots 17-14. Any true fan of football had to be in awe of the great tug-of-war that we witnessed in the final 15 minutes of that game -- one which had been a mighty defensive struggle up to that point.

If you managed to hold down all the beer, wings and pizza you'd eaten after watching the slew of terribly uninteresting $3 million dollar sinkholes they so loosely referred to as "commercials" and held on long enough to see the game to the final whistle, you certainly got a treat.

Unless you were a Pats fan.

There is a lot of talk about Belicheck walking off the field. Look... there were 2 seconds left after Tom Brady's hail mary pass -- which were subsequently run off, added back on, run off and added back on again. The man had no way of knowing that the timekeeper was losing his marbles (Did anyone else notice how the time stayed at 6:12 in the 1st quarter for about 2 minutes?) Whether he eventually realized it or not, he'd already (albeit begrudgingly, I assume) congratulated his former co-worker Tom Coughlin on a hard-fought victory. There was no reason for him not to believe it was over... because it most certainly was.

Hats off to the Patriots for having such an improbably wonderful regular season -- but the ultimate kudos belong to the Giants for refusing to be star struck and completing the job they came to do.

I already can't wait for next season.

Enough Is Enough

I'm a Dallas Cowboys fan. Yes, I was born in D.C. and I live in Philadelphia -- but I don't care. Ever since I started watching football, I've always loved something about the Cowboys. I've endured a 1-15 rookie outing from Troy Aikman. I've suffered through 3 consecutive 5-11 seasons. I've celebrated 3 Super Bowl titles in the 1990s (and two prior to my arrival on this planet). I will stick with my team through thick and thin. I will defend them when they're innocent and lambaste them when they deserve scrutiny the most. With all that being said, if I hear anyone else suggest that Jessica Simpson (now known as "Yoko Romo") had anything to do with the Cowboys losing, I may just end up having the grandest conniption you've ever witnessed in your entire life -- and that's coming from someone diagnosed with UFC-like road rage.

It has been suggested that the mere presence of Jessica Simpson provides so much of a distraction that Tony cannot perform well. It has also been suggested that his short Mexican vacation prior to the NFC Divisional Playoff game against the New York Giants was ill-advised, ill-timed and ill-fated. Is the newsworld so slow that people have to create all this fictional hype? Does this writers' strike have media outlets scrambling for clever one-liners?

Seriously, did anyone else hear Patrick Crayton when he said that she'd been to TWO other games this season? Correct me if I'm wrong, but prior to that loss against the Eagles, the Cowboys only lost 1 other game -- against the Patriots. Even if she were in attendance at that game, it is statistically impossible for the Cowboys to have lost every game for which she was present. Also, did anyone else hear Romo, coach Wade Phillips and TE Jason Witten mention that they were GIVEN a few days of vacation? The coach told them to get away from football for a few days so that they could recharge their batteries and come back reenergized for the playoff game. If you had 8 figures in the bank, were given a 2-3 day vacation and had a pretty attractive girlfriend, are you going to tell me that you wouldn't have taken a vacation somewhere tropical? Add to that the fact that Witten and members of Simpson's family were both in attendance. The fact of the matter is that my team played like crap on Sunday. You can't wholly blame any one person.

As T.O. correctly indicated afterward (although you may have been distracted by his display of emotion), they lost as a TEAM. Don't blame the coach for telling them to rest for 2-3 days. Don't blame one dropped pass. Don't blame one missed block. Don't blame one overthrown ball. Don't blame one missed tackle. Simply put they didn't do enough overall to win what was a very winnable game -- PERIOD. It's hard to work your butt off that long, playing through injuries and traveling all over the country for 4-5 months only to LOSE the big one. The Cowboys started to show signs of wear as early as December and it continued in the playoffs; conversely, the Giants started looking like the squad they are on paper and executed when it counted most. The better prepared and disciplined team won Sunday. Too bad they have to face the RED-HOT Green Bay Packers on Sunday.

Did I tell you that Brett Favre is my favorite individual player? Have to love his no-guts, no-glory, balls-to-the-wall mentality. At 38 years of age, he's out there playing like a 28 year-old -- and the Packers are winning. He's broken so many records (both good and bad)... he deserves to walk out of that stadium. with that second Super Bowl ring around his finger and go down in history as one of the most unorthodox, gritty and successful QBs to ever play the game.

Imagine the drama -- the Packers had their fantastic comeback season (13-3, 2nd in NFC) and the Patriots have assembled one of the most statistically impressive seasons in the history of the sport. They've referred to the Packers as the football equivalent of the '83 NC State Wolfpack. I'm not so sure I would go THAT far, but I think it would be safe to say that this could easily be one of the highest rated Super Bowl games in recent history. I'm drooling just thinking about it. I can't wait.

Let's go, #4!

Who Is This Woman?

Apparently, she's a daughter-of-a-bitch.

(editor's note: I've always wondered why we never say that... it seems intuitive, right? Well, don't start now because it's in the process of being trademarked & I'll sue the blog shit outta you if you don't properly remunerate me!)

Her name is Kelly Tilghman, a former Duke women's golfer who last played back when Driving Miss Daisy had just won the Academy Award for Best Picture (she NEVER played on the LPGA Tour). She's not terribly relevant now (unless you consider being the only female announcer on The Golf Channel a sign of relevance)... and apparently, she's not too fond of Tiger Woods. She remarked on air that young golfers should "lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley." Now, perhaps this was some feeble attempt at making a joke about Woods' superiority & dominance over the sport (and alluding to the notion that they try to gain an edge by any means necessary)... or maybe she just straight-up meant what she said. Regardless of her true intent, it came off as extremely tacky, crude and downright inappropriate.

She's not even remotely attractive, successful, talented, popular or otherwise significant enough for this non-average American male to even fiddle with the notion of "overlooking" this calamity. This is the kind of shit that gets members of the media fired quickly. Oh, you're wondering why they haven't fired her.. right? Well, let's break it down like this:

1) She works for the fucking Golf Channel! Have you ever seen or heard of it? Chances are that 99.5% have not and will not.

2) She "apologized" to Tiger the following day (scroll to the bottom to see the blurb) -- as all the best offenders have been quick to do.

3) Well, let's be honest -- these broadcasting conglomerates really try not to fire the offenders until somebody makes a big stink about it. I haven't done the research, but I'm sure there have been quite a few more snafus that have slipped right under the radar and buried their heads in the sane.

I don't really want to care about this as much as I do, but FUCK -- it's 2008, bitch! I don't just want people to stop saying racist, sexist, ageist or anything-ist else offensive -- I want us to stop thinking it in the first place. Then, and only then, can we ever move forward as a society without prejudice.

Too bad none of us will live long enough to see anything near that.

I Hate New England

*If you're from the New England area, please avert your eyes now. It's the only way to protect yourself from what I'm about to do... however -- if you're offended, you probably deserve it.*

You read the title correctly. I despise New England. I hate the climate. I hate all the fresh air. I hate the indigenous people and their clammy stench -- they reek of condescension. It's a place where stomach-turning cockiness (disguised as bravado) and fair-weather fans abound. Where else can a team win a title and still have a chip on its shoulder? I thought Philly was ridonkulous with its "What have you done for me lately?" mentality... but these guys absolutely take the cake -- and proceed to over-bake it and coat it with black licorice-flavored icing.

Not that I haven't always despised New Englanders, but I was reading the Sports Guy's mailbag and came across this reader submission that completely rattled my cage:

Q: While visiting one of our friends in Boston this past weekend, a few of my college buddies and I spent Saturday getting hammered at various bars near Fenway. When we called it a night, we took the T back to the Maverick station, a trip that included half of the train spontaneously singing "Don't Stop Believing." When we got off the train, we decided to step into this bar called Eddie C's, a dive with none other than Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap. When we got inside, we encountered a few regulars with the strongest accents imaginable, who asked us if we were Sox fans. We aren't, which was fine by them, until my friend Tommy proclaimed his allegiance to the Yankees. They all gasped immediately, and one of them shouted, while smiling ear to ear, "... let's tie him to a tree!!!" He proceeded to reach into his jacket and, I kid you not, pulled out a 12-foot rope. We went outside and my friend was, yes, tied to a tree, complete with some road cones. The scene was unbelievable. We decided to leave when the same guy showed us his knife and said that he could cut some more rope if we needed it.
-- John, Washington, D.C.

Really? This kind of stuff happens up north? Was it supposed to be a cruel joke or prank? Oddly enough, I'm not laughing. Boston, once widely regarded as a hotbed of racism (and still is regarded as such, depending on who you ask), is the nucleus of it all... The Boston Celtics (NBA), The New England Patriots (NFL), The Boston Red Sox (MLB), The Boston Bruins (NHL)... the list goes on. In recent years, the region has taken home division and league championships from most significant competitive sports -- yet still acts like there is something to prove. Look no further than every single one of Bill Belicheck's press conferences this year.

Rarely has an entire region tried so hard to justify everything wrong that they do and piss on our faces when things go right -- without having the courtesy to hand us a Kleenex(TM). If Tom Brady committed mass genocide, I assure you that the whole of New England would jump up to defend him -- probably citing the mental stress created by throwing touchdown after touchdown as justification. I'm sick of all the excuses and I'm even sicker of the bragging... and I won't even get started on the 4th down conversion attempts.

So let me tell you something, you "chowdah" eatin', "shahp" dressin' "Hahvahd" educated, "wicked ahsome", "pahty" animal, "beeyah" swillin', smug, arrogant little prick bastards -- I don't like you. Most of America doesn't like you. Is it because you're winning right now? Not at all. Most of us still like the Cowboys, the Bulls, the 49ers, the Lakers, the Pistons, etc. Wanna know why? Because their fans are generally gracious winners. They don't shit on the sidewalk and try to rub our faces in it. One day soon, you'll get your comeuppance... but then again, maybe I don't want to see that happen -- all it will do is motivate you to go on another 85 year bitchin'-spree about how your teams never win.

Who am I kidding? I'd die a happy man.

Suck it, New England. Suck it.