Best Commercial of 2009

No more words -- just enjoy:

Bill O'Reilly

...is a bigoted, right-wing creton with some of the most self-serving opinions I've ever heard. I would never do him the honor of watching him speak or paying to read anything he publishes. He's a worthless creep and does not deserve any more energy or attention than what I've just given him.

< /rant >

I agree that racism needs to go away. There are many who rely far too much on the race card, admittedly -- and the Al Sharptons and Jesse Jacksons of the world are overly quick to react... but that doesn't mean that racism doesn't happen.

I've written about this topic before, but He-Who-Deserves-Not-Be-Named inspired my wrath once more. What folks seem not to understand is that although racism is cited more often than necessary, IT STILL HAPPENS. Ask around and see how many people think only blacks are on welfare or live in the "ghetto." Ask your friends how many of them clutch their purses more tightly when they walk past a group of black kids. Ask how many of your friends think Hispanics are all illegal immigrants that aren't good at anything but landscaping & gangbanging. Ask them if they think that Asians are all great mathematicians that are destined to own dry cleaners & chinese food stores. Or maybe they think all Indians can't speak English and don't know anything other than convenience stores & Dunkin' Donuts franchises.

Now imagine that YOU'RE one of said persons of color. Imagine that you've had to combat these discriminatory notions for your entire life. Just imagine it -- because that's all you can do, if you've never actually lived it. Don't let the media fool you into thinking anything else... and don't let media bias sway you into adopting a mob mentality. I can't tell you how many times I've watched media outlets manufacture controversy -- and racial episodes & ideals are certainly not excluded.

Fourty years after we were finally freed legally of the remnants of slavery in America, it is still difficult to cope with racial attitudes in this country. Don't get me wrong -- like myself, there are a lot of people out there that can look someone in the eye and see past everything... but there are so many that can't get past the level of melanin in your skin. I can genuinely say that I have wonderful people in my life of all colors, who I love without regard to their skin -- and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Whenever the day finally comes that no person in America is made uncomfortable by the glances & stereotypes bestowed upon them by virtue of centuries of racist mentalities, then -- and only then -- can the subject of race truly be dropped.

That and when they stop asking that damn question on job applications.

Justin is just TOO damn funny!

I don't care how you feel about him as an artist or his deliciously hot girlfriend Jessica Biel, but you have to admit: Justin Timberlake is FANTASTIC on SNL. I swear he gets better every time... plus it didn't hurt that Ciara did a split and plenty of well-executed gyration during her musical performance!

So what happens when you breed J.T.'s innate comic timing with his obvious musical chops? Well, here's a great example:



And of course the classic:



Don't be shocked if he becomes a full-time cast member after such brilliance... seriously.

Once I stop myself from laughing, I'll go back to playing with my new PS3.

Grey's Anatomy -- I hardly know ye

The following is an open letter to the writers, crew, producers and creator of one of my guilty pleasures, "Grey's Anatomy" (Thursdays, 9pm, ABC). If you watch the show but haven't seen the last 5 episodes or so, I suggest you turn away -- lest I spoil the latest goings-on at Seattle Grace.

Otherwise, sit back & enjoy... because you probably feel the same way I do.

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Dear ABC:

I've enjoyed Grey's Anatomy for quite some time. Witty banter betwixt the surgeons, crazy surgeries and incurably high sex drives that have led to more "cross-pollination" than a flower farm. Some would find it all too over-the-top -- but not I. I've found it entertaining from the first time I laid eyes on those horndog interns & residents. I like everything about the show, really... except ONE of your current storylines.

Dead Denny.

I can't take it anymore. How many more conversations can Izzie have with him? How many more times will they hug & kiss? How many more orgasms will he give her? Does Izzie have some type of mental or emotional disorder that is causing her to have visions of her dearly departed lover? Why is he "haunting" her? Why won't he just go the fuck away & let her be happy with Alex?

Honestly, I don't even think that I care about the payoff at this point... I just want the madness to end. Before I smash my head on a window sill, gouge out my eyes with a butterknife and feed them to my dog.

I'm not quite certain who cooked this mess up, but the shenanigans must end. So, I beg you -- PLEASE end this nonsense NOW... for the sake of humanity itself depends on it. Who knows how many more episodes of this crap the average person could survive?

Or at the very least, it could be yet another reason for people to stop watching an otherwise delightful little show.

Think about it, y'all. Think about it.


Sincerely,

NYAM

It's Showtime!

Finally -- the strike is over. We can watch TV again and many non-writing staff can get back to working (read: feeding their families who starved while the writers and studios did little-to-no negotiating for about 2-3 months).

I'd like to say that the absence of new episodes of my favorite shows has kept me away from the boob tube and left me to more productive endeavors... but alas, that is sadly not the case -- I merely just found other things to watch. Here is a short list of all the shows which I (re)discovered during the hiatus of my current faves:

1. Parking Wars (AETV)
Very appropriately timed was this show about people in this very city of Philadelphia who've had run-ins with the Philadelphia Parking Authority (PPA) -- and the employees of said organization who enforce their guidelines. It seems like a weird idea on the surface, but it's pretty freakin' hilarious to listen to people's excuses and watch them flip out after receiving citations. As if you didn't know parking on the damn sidewalk wasn't okay... genius. Here's the clincher: I actually got my car towed for the first time ever (Editor's note: I was parked too long on the street during rush hour -- don't even get me started) and they were actually filming footage for this show while I was in there. You'll probably never hear from all the people that I did, but let me just tell you -- most of them deserved their tickets, but to hear them bitch and trash the PPA was HILARIOUS. Almost makes my road rage not seem so bad by comparison... GRADE: B+

2. Pardon The Interruption (ESPN)
There is not much bad I could ever say about this show, pre- or post-strike. For some reason, I'd fallen off in recent months and only now have begun to incorporate it into my daily ritual. This is a great sports show and a must-watch for any sports fan. You get the low-down on all the big sports news, delivered in most hilarious fashion by the hosts (Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon). They bicker and argue like they have no sense, dropping much humorous off-the-cuff commentary along the way. Man, I love me some PTI... GRADE: A

3. Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew (VH1)
I know what you're thinking -- what the fuck, Abe? Well yeah, I'm sorry. I got drawn into this fucking show. Nothing like watching a bunch of rich people bitch about all their problems and how drugs have taken over their lives. Let me tell you something, buddy -- there are not that many of my problems that can't be solved with, I dunno, MONEY! I suppose they all are proof positive that Christopher Wallace's theory holds weight: Mo' Money = Mo' Problems. Our favorite real TV doctor Dr. Drew throws these guys all into one rehab center and attempts to discover the root of their addiction and help them kick it (Editor's note: Very admirable. He's classy. I like him. Plus "Loveline" was awesome). The cast includes such "stars" as:

- Joanie Laurer aka "Chyna" (former pro wrestler/bodybuilder)
- Ricco Rodriguez (ex-UFC champion)
- Jaimee Foxworth aka "Judy Winslow" (the daughter who went upstairs and never came back down)
- Brigitte Nielson (we've all seen and/or heard of her fling w/ Flavor Flav -- haven't we?)
- Daniel Baldwin (almost as unsuccessful as his brother, Billy)
- Jeff Conaway (of "Grease" and "Taxi" fame, presently one fucked up individual)

There are a few more characters on the show, but I think you get the gist by now... GRADE: B

4. The Moment of Truth (FOX)
Well, what more can I say here? The premise of this show is that the producers ask you a bunch of tough questions and randomly select 21 for you to answer again on live TV. Oh, did I mention that you're connected to a polygraph? That's right, folks -- you too can embarass yourself and your entire family for a shot at $500,000! Ever wondered "Geez, how can I get rid of my wife/husband?" -- well, fret not... this show has you covered! All you have to lose is the very fabric of your existence.

I won't front like it's not kinda funny -- I just wish people would think twice before purchasing a "No Sex For Life" gift basket like this... GRADE: C

Well, folks -- that's my starter list of the shows have held my attention (good or bad) during the writers' strike. There were definitely a few more shows that held me DOWN (or HELD me down, it's simply a matter of semantics) -- but I just wanted to get the ball rolling here.

So, what have you been watching?

So Bad That It's Good

Every once in awhile comes a television event so astoundingly spectacular that it can overcome deep-fried punch lines and transcend pun-filled discourse to nestle its way into our hearts. Perhaps fueled by the lack of original programming on air due to the continuing writers' strike, NBC has struck gold by dusting off old jewelry. With the imminent reentry of Knight Rider to the market, it has become evident that even if somebody else already built it, used it, abused it and re-used it, we will still come back for more if you just wait long enough to try again. Perhaps the most amazing example of which has been the return of American Gladiators -- and fortunately for us, it's almost as cheesy and unforgivably awesome as it was before.

With "The Immortal" Hulk Hogan and the beautiful pugilist Laila Ali performing the hosting duties, the former Saturday morning staple has returned for our viewing pleasure. If corny puns, terribly scripted interviews and thrilling challenges excite you, then this just may be the ticket for you! Where else can you hear a contestant utter the phrase: "Where I come from, assault can get you 3-5... but here, I'm going for 10!!" Did you catch the pun? How clever! Better yet, how about a gladiator saying: "I smell fear, I smell blood... and I'm gonna eat ya!" -- then proceeding to howl like a wolf?! It's all just too bad to be true.

If you've seen the new show and have thought to yourself "Wow, the new Eliminator is extremely hard!" It's probably more likely that you've thought "Man, this is even worse than the original" -- well, I beg you to watch the video below for all the evidence necessary to dismiss that theory once and for all:



It's a little different this time around, but OH MY it's as cheesy as ever! If you were ever a fan of the show, I urge you to watch the new version. Don't think too hard. It's mindless TV drivel -- make no bones about it. But do you wanna know the best part? Nobody cares. Enjoy it for what it is -- mindless fun.

I'll leave you with yet another classic AG moment. Bon appetit!