Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Road Rage

Note: This rant will veer into the Rated-R realm at times in order to preserve realism (i.e., my mouth and brain often cease communication when I'm behind the wheel, often ensuring overly hilarious monologue -- and I didn't want to completely deprive you of that sweet experience).

Just in case you've never had the pleasure of riding in any motor vehicle of which I was the conductor, allow me to inform you that I have road rage... in fact, it may be one of the single largest heretofore undocumented cases of roadrageism known to mankind.

As a youth, I developed the horrible practice of internalizing all of my frustration and anguish -- which has led to many a vicious outburst in my adult life. This can be no more evident if you've seen/heard me drive through traffic. I have no sympathy for the old man in front of my with the PD tags -- I'm just looking for an extra lane via which I can circumnavigate that slow-ass sumamabitch. I don't care about that couple from Wyoming that is lost and is simply looking for a space to pull over. I wish that flock of geese would test me. Ludacris' "Move Bitch" was music to my ears when first released. Simply put: I turn into a Roadrageasaurus Rex when I'm behind the wheel and have negligible patience levels for bad driving. I'm not overly-aggressive, but it doesn't take much to piss me off.

Recently, I almost killed me a couple of white boys on the Roosevelt Boulevard in Philadelphia (Editor's note: I'm in no way a racist. I love everybody. Seriously. It was just funnier if I tossed that descriptor in there). Roosevelt Blvd may be one of the most treacherous roadways in America. I'm sure somebody has written a vicious smear campaign against this 12-lane behemoth NON-HIGHWAY that runs clear across the northern part of Philadelphia and into the next county. If you could pick a street never to traverse by foot, this would have to go at the top of your list.

So anyway, these two douchebags pull off into the right-most lane. I proceed to make the same move behind them, as I needed to turn right off of this asphalt mastodon; apparently by doing so, I raised the ire of the 2 fine aforementioned gentlemen (Editor's note: To this day, I still don't know how and/or why). They proceed to honk their horns and still their middle fingers out of every orifice of that 2-door shitmobile of theirs. Initially, I passed it off as 2 drunkards going wild after midnight... however, after sitting at a green light for 2-3 minutes as they continued with their aviary gestures -- only to further be fueled by the considerate dose of honk that I began to provide. Suffice it to say that a healthy shouting match ensued. A short chase and near introduction to my steering wheel lock later, I had raised my blood pressure about 7,000 points and later had to ask myself -- why?

I know I have a problem and I need to talk to somebody about it. As a youth, I tried yoga for awhile (to positive results)... but it's obvious that follow-up is very much needed here in my adulthood. I guess I've made the first step already: I'm admitting that I have a problem. Now it's time to attempt positive change. The last thing I'd need is for my life to be taken from me in a flash of anger... or worse yet, to perpetuate the madness by infecting my future progeny with the same affliction. Just like physical abuse, I want to be proactive and end this vicious cycle before it's too late.

In the meantime... GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH -- GET OUT THE WAY!


Eb the Celeb said...

I have road rage too girl... and aint nothing wrong with it as long as you know how to drive... its them non driving people with road rage that done went and messed it up 4 everybody

Eb the Celeb said...

OK I didnt mean to call you girl but I got all hype like I was talking to one of my girls... sorry...

Erika 2004 said...

Yeah, you do have to be careful around the little ones. I realized how bad my road rage was after hearing my little one have a road rage induced fit. It's a good thing I don't typically use any hand gesticulations in my road rage fits. I'm sure I would be hearing from the principals office more often.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Skeptic said...

I have had the misfortune of being a helpless passenger in a vehicle operated by you. And I've also had my auditory senses bludgeoned by some of your colorful metaphors while talking on the phone with you while you were driving. Needless to say, I would rather have Brittney Spears babysit my kid before I'd ever ride in a car with you or drive anywhere within 200 miles of you. Don't take it personal, it's all love.

Not Your Average Male said...

[Eb] Yeah, you definitely got caught up in the moment... lol! But you're right -- I can't completely eliminate my rage at the blink of an eye, but I can sure try to curtail it for the sake of others.

[E2K4] Yeah, you're right... but my kids sure would have a diverse vocab! I kid, I don't want that.

[YFNS] I guess we're about even, then -- I won't EVER leave my children with you and you won't ride in a car with me... lol