January 20, 2009

Today marks a moment that will forever be enshrined in the history books.

There are few people -- American or otherwise -- who will forget what has happened today. We have witnessed the beginning of a tremendous shift in the political landscape. We will be able to tell our children that we saw the first man of color elected as the President of the United States. Some of us were even able to take our children to Washington to personally view this momentous event.

As a native of Washington, DC, I have to say that I've never before been as proud to see throngs of "out-of-towners" flooding the city. There is nothing more incredible than seeing people of all colors come together to celebrate the arrival of one Barack Obama to his new home at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

President Obama: I wish you all the luck in the world. You have many difficult tasks ahead of you. You will bear the burden of restoring our nations' financial health, repairing a broken healthcare system, reforming immigration & safely returning our troops home. Should you fail, you'll be blamed (by those who oppose you) as if you created this disastrous scenario. Those who support you know that you seek only to reverse & undo the damage that has been done over the last 8 years.

We know that you seek to show the world that America can, has and will change. We know that you will call on us to do our part in making America an even stronger global powerhouse than it has ever been. We know that you seek to erase the boundaries of color that continue to divide the people of our nation. We know that you have our best interests in mind and that you seek to equip our children with the tools necessary to continue the fight to well into the future.

Good luck, sir... and may the force be with you.

Snake, Rat, Cat, Dog

"How you gon' see 'em if you livin' in a fog?"

Well, it's more like a snake and a rat-cat-dog anyway.

In Brisbane, Australia, a 16-foot python stalked and ultimately consumed a family's pet silky chihuahua in front of them -- much to the children's horror.

Apparently, they'd actually seen the snake a few days lurking in the area of the dog's bed -- yet failed to call in the local snakesmith (Editor's note: No, that's not a real word but yes, I'll actively seek to have that changed). The snake pounced and swallowed the 5-year old dog WHOLE. Whole! I can barely eat a chicken wing in one fell swoop -- but this 110-lb. bag of muscles swallowed another animal whole. Geez.

My favorite part about this article were the final two paragraphs:

Removing the half-swallowed dog could have harmed or even killed the python, Rose said, because dogs have sharp teeth and claws that could do the snake internal damage if it were wrenched out.

The snake was still digesting the dog at the zoo Wednesday. It will soon be relocated to the bush, Douglas said.

Really? Does anybody else not give a fuck about that snake (like me)? He swallowed a damn dog WHOLE. Greedy bastard.

Moral of the story: Stay the fuck out of Brisbane. Don't even bother.

Killadelphia

In honor of my buddy Girl From Park Heights' recent visit to my current place of residence, I've decided to take a little time to enlighten the blogging public as to why Philadelphia should be known as the "City of Brotherly Hate" henceforward.

This past Friday, as I reposed in my mother's living room (in lovely Upper Marlboro, MD), I checked news stories online only to discover frightening news -- a 15 year-old boy got shot. Normally, this wouldn't have troubled me any more than any other shooting in this trigger-happy city... but do you know why he got shot? Yup, you guessed it -- he accidentally hit a guy with a snowball. A snowball.

Last time I checked, snowball fights were the shit on those lovely days when classes fell victim to the elements... the problem is, I didn't know that was a good enough reason to become the next gunshot victim.

Apparently, the snowballee took great offense to this "injustice" and confronted the youth. In typical brazen teenage fashion, the young man returned the favor verbally -- which naturally just further incensed the gentleman. Instead of chalking it up to youthful indiscretion, the man warned the teen that he'd be back for him. The mother of one of the teen's friends advised him to remain indoors and refrain from any further verbal discourse. Of course, the teen didn't listen and went back outdoors. The friend's mother claims that as soon as she noticed he'd left, she opened the front door just in time to see him fall from being SHOT IN THE FACE AT POINT-BLANK RANGE.

Did you bother to click the link? If not, allow me to summarize: The boy died the next day at Temple University Hospital after his family decided to remove him from life support. Now, I understand that the kids in this city are bold, fresh, smart-mouthed sons-of-bitches... but WHY on EARTH did he have to kill the boy? Granted, the boy should've shut his damn mouth -- or better yet, apologized -- but that absolutely does not make it okay to kill him. I'm sorry. As bad as my road rage is and as many people as I've wanted to strike down in my lifetime, I've rarely heard of a crime so heinous. I'm thoroughly disgusted.

Let the countdown to my Philadexodus(TM) begin...

The Bible Says...

A minister in Florida, apparently quite dismayed with the high divorce rates in our society, has issued a challenge to the married members of his congregation in the form of a 30-day challenge.

If you bothered to click the link above, you'll notice that the man actually paid for a billboard to advertise said challenge. For those too lazy to click the link above, an promotional video clip (allegedly) made by the church itself (Relevant Church) has been embedded below:



That's right. He's asking that all married people get down for 30 consecutive days. Why? He points to research which suggests that one can develop a consistent habit over such a period of time (Translation: If you and your wife get funky like K'NEX everyday, then maybe you can prevent your marriage from faltering in the first place -- since sex is allegedly one of the first things to go out the window). I suppose it's some sort of Pavlovian deal? Very interesting, nonetheless. I'm sure there were a lot of guys who have absolutely nothing to do with this church (or any church at all) that have been using it as an excuse to get some...

Wife: "Please, not today... I have such a bad headache!"
Man: "God commands you, woman -- now, get naked!"

I'm sure there are several more humorous variations of that conversation occurring as you read this. If the population in Ybor City, FL suddenly skyrockets, I think we all know who to blame.

Wanna know the best thing I found during my "research" for this blog-ette? This title of this MSNBC article... PRICELESS. That, in addition to the use of the term "hanky-panky" left me chuckling aloud. Ahh, the simple pleasures in life.

So, married people -- stop reading and go do as the good pastor says!

It's Showtime!

Finally -- the strike is over. We can watch TV again and many non-writing staff can get back to working (read: feeding their families who starved while the writers and studios did little-to-no negotiating for about 2-3 months).

I'd like to say that the absence of new episodes of my favorite shows has kept me away from the boob tube and left me to more productive endeavors... but alas, that is sadly not the case -- I merely just found other things to watch. Here is a short list of all the shows which I (re)discovered during the hiatus of my current faves:

1. Parking Wars (AETV)
Very appropriately timed was this show about people in this very city of Philadelphia who've had run-ins with the Philadelphia Parking Authority (PPA) -- and the employees of said organization who enforce their guidelines. It seems like a weird idea on the surface, but it's pretty freakin' hilarious to listen to people's excuses and watch them flip out after receiving citations. As if you didn't know parking on the damn sidewalk wasn't okay... genius. Here's the clincher: I actually got my car towed for the first time ever (Editor's note: I was parked too long on the street during rush hour -- don't even get me started) and they were actually filming footage for this show while I was in there. You'll probably never hear from all the people that I did, but let me just tell you -- most of them deserved their tickets, but to hear them bitch and trash the PPA was HILARIOUS. Almost makes my road rage not seem so bad by comparison... GRADE: B+

2. Pardon The Interruption (ESPN)
There is not much bad I could ever say about this show, pre- or post-strike. For some reason, I'd fallen off in recent months and only now have begun to incorporate it into my daily ritual. This is a great sports show and a must-watch for any sports fan. You get the low-down on all the big sports news, delivered in most hilarious fashion by the hosts (Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon). They bicker and argue like they have no sense, dropping much humorous off-the-cuff commentary along the way. Man, I love me some PTI... GRADE: A

3. Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew (VH1)
I know what you're thinking -- what the fuck, Abe? Well yeah, I'm sorry. I got drawn into this fucking show. Nothing like watching a bunch of rich people bitch about all their problems and how drugs have taken over their lives. Let me tell you something, buddy -- there are not that many of my problems that can't be solved with, I dunno, MONEY! I suppose they all are proof positive that Christopher Wallace's theory holds weight: Mo' Money = Mo' Problems. Our favorite real TV doctor Dr. Drew throws these guys all into one rehab center and attempts to discover the root of their addiction and help them kick it (Editor's note: Very admirable. He's classy. I like him. Plus "Loveline" was awesome). The cast includes such "stars" as:

- Joanie Laurer aka "Chyna" (former pro wrestler/bodybuilder)
- Ricco Rodriguez (ex-UFC champion)
- Jaimee Foxworth aka "Judy Winslow" (the daughter who went upstairs and never came back down)
- Brigitte Nielson (we've all seen and/or heard of her fling w/ Flavor Flav -- haven't we?)
- Daniel Baldwin (almost as unsuccessful as his brother, Billy)
- Jeff Conaway (of "Grease" and "Taxi" fame, presently one fucked up individual)

There are a few more characters on the show, but I think you get the gist by now... GRADE: B

4. The Moment of Truth (FOX)
Well, what more can I say here? The premise of this show is that the producers ask you a bunch of tough questions and randomly select 21 for you to answer again on live TV. Oh, did I mention that you're connected to a polygraph? That's right, folks -- you too can embarass yourself and your entire family for a shot at $500,000! Ever wondered "Geez, how can I get rid of my wife/husband?" -- well, fret not... this show has you covered! All you have to lose is the very fabric of your existence.

I won't front like it's not kinda funny -- I just wish people would think twice before purchasing a "No Sex For Life" gift basket like this... GRADE: C

Well, folks -- that's my starter list of the shows have held my attention (good or bad) during the writers' strike. There were definitely a few more shows that held me DOWN (or HELD me down, it's simply a matter of semantics) -- but I just wanted to get the ball rolling here.

So, what have you been watching?