You read the title correctly. I despise New England. I hate the climate. I hate all the fresh air. I hate the indigenous people and their clammy stench -- they reek of condescension. It's a place where stomach-turning cockiness (disguised as bravado) and fair-weather fans abound. Where else can a team win a title and still have a chip on its shoulder? I thought Philly was ridonkulous with its "What have you done for me lately?" mentality... but these guys absolutely take the cake -- and proceed to over-bake it and coat it with black licorice-flavored icing.
Not that I haven't always despised New Englanders, but I was reading the Sports Guy's mailbag and came across this reader submission that completely rattled my cage:
Q: While visiting one of our friends in Boston this past weekend, a few of my college buddies and I spent Saturday getting hammered at various bars near Fenway. When we called it a night, we took the T back to the Maverick station, a trip that included half of the train spontaneously singing "Don't Stop Believing." When we got off the train, we decided to step into this bar called Eddie C's, a dive with none other than Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap. When we got inside, we encountered a few regulars with the strongest accents imaginable, who asked us if we were Sox fans. We aren't, which was fine by them, until my friend Tommy proclaimed his allegiance to the Yankees. They all gasped immediately, and one of them shouted, while smiling ear to ear, "... let's tie him to a tree!!!" He proceeded to reach into his jacket and, I kid you not, pulled out a 12-foot rope. We went outside and my friend was, yes, tied to a tree, complete with some road cones. The scene was unbelievable. We decided to leave when the same guy showed us his knife and said that he could cut some more rope if we needed it.
-- John, Washington, D.C.
Really? This kind of stuff happens up north? Was it supposed to be a cruel joke or prank? Oddly enough, I'm not laughing. Boston, once widely regarded as a hotbed of racism (and still is regarded as such, depending on who you ask), is the nucleus of it all... The Boston Celtics (NBA), The New England Patriots (NFL), The Boston Red Sox (MLB), The Boston Bruins (NHL)... the list goes on. In recent years, the region has taken home division and league championships from most significant competitive sports -- yet still acts like there is something to prove. Look no further than every single one of Bill Belicheck's press conferences this year.
Rarely has an entire region tried so hard to justify everything wrong that they do and piss on our faces when things go right -- without having the courtesy to hand us a Kleenex(TM). If Tom Brady committed mass genocide, I assure you that the whole of New England would jump up to defend him -- probably citing the mental stress created by throwing touchdown after touchdown as justification. I'm sick of all the excuses and I'm even sicker of the bragging... and I won't even get started on the 4th down conversion attempts.
So let me tell you something, you "chowdah" eatin', "shahp" dressin' "Hahvahd" educated, "wicked ahsome", "pahty" animal, "beeyah" swillin', smug, arrogant little prick bastards -- I don't like you. Most of America doesn't like you. Is it because you're winning right now? Not at all. Most of us still like the Cowboys, the Bulls, the 49ers, the Lakers, the Pistons, etc. Wanna know why? Because their fans are generally gracious winners. They don't shit on the sidewalk and try to rub our faces in it. One day soon, you'll get your comeuppance... but then again, maybe I don't want to see that happen -- all it will do is motivate you to go on another 85 year bitchin'-spree about how your teams never win.
Who am I kidding? I'd die a happy man.
Suck it, New England. Suck it.