Racism Still Exists

A group of white students at a university in South Africa tricked a group of black students into eating a funky stew (by pretending that it was for a Fear Factor-esque program) laced with a peculiar secret ingredient: urine.

Apparently, this incident took place back in September but the video has only surfaced in the last day or two (Editor's note: I wonder what the over-under is on how fast Rev. Al Sharpton will find his way down to South Africa to speak out against these atrocities? I've got my all money on 5 minutes ago).

This all got me thinking... as recently as segregation was still allowed in America (40 years), it has been an even shorter period of time since it was still acceptable in South Africa. How screwy is this whole thing? At the very base of it all, one can be hated simply for possessing more melanin than another. Not because of a heinous crime committed (although in their blind hate, some would peg an African-American for an offense without knowing a thing about him/her) or anything else that could justify such outright disdain -- but because of a person's skin color. Does being dark (or not) dictate how intelligent, thoughtful, classy, respectful, diligent, productive or good (or not) a person will be? Is one predisposed to a life of crime, prison, illegitimate children, manual labor or an otherwise unfulfilled life just because of the hue of their epidermis? I'm no anthrology, sociology or history expert, but I'm truly curious to know what was passing through the minds of the first people to say "Hey, look at them... why are they that color? They're different so I hate them and will teach my offspring and their offspring to hate them in perpetuity."

When broken down to its simplest form, racism is unfounded to a large degree and probably only exists now because it has existed for so long and has been passed to generation after generation.

I want to take the time to make this statement: Minorities can be racists, too. We can "discrimihate" (thanks, André 3000) on ourselves and others like us for reasons unknown. Some refuse to socialize or procreate with other minorities. Some viciously attack other minorities out of spite. Are they lashing out because of how they've been treated? Do they see a dark face and decide to release their anger and frustration? I'm probably way off-base, but I'm just trying to get a discussion going here.

I'm no deity or saint (and won't purport to be), but I know I'm a good person that treats everyone with respect. I'm no criminal... I have a college degree, a great job, a house, a car and multiple bank accounts -- I even have a 401(k), for goodness sake! But do you know what? Somewhere, a white person hates me because I'm black and a black person hates me because I'm doing something with my life. Mind you, I'm NOT insinuating that ALL white or ALL black people behave a certain way, but those that exhibit these behaviors know exactly who they are (and are probably proud of themselves).

I'm probably just being uber-pessimistic right now (this article sure did set me off), but the world is in sad shape. I just can't see world peace -- ever. Hate without reason is a very deadly weapon. A day without hate anywhere in the world is a day when we've all simultaneously fallen asleep or died from global warming and/or some massive explosion from deep in the Earth's core. Just look at all the centuries of tribal battle in the Middle East and Africa -- so senseless. Many of the battles are based on religious beliefs; others have simply been raging on for so long that children are reared to hate the opposition with no real rhyme or reason.

Racism (and most other -isms) has absolutely no place in society. I can only hope that my pessimism proves premature and that something will change... but I promise you that I will not hold my breath waiting.

Snake, Rat, Cat, Dog

"How you gon' see 'em if you livin' in a fog?"

Well, it's more like a snake and a rat-cat-dog anyway.

In Brisbane, Australia, a 16-foot python stalked and ultimately consumed a family's pet silky chihuahua in front of them -- much to the children's horror.

Apparently, they'd actually seen the snake a few days lurking in the area of the dog's bed -- yet failed to call in the local snakesmith (Editor's note: No, that's not a real word but yes, I'll actively seek to have that changed). The snake pounced and swallowed the 5-year old dog WHOLE. Whole! I can barely eat a chicken wing in one fell swoop -- but this 110-lb. bag of muscles swallowed another animal whole. Geez.

My favorite part about this article were the final two paragraphs:

Removing the half-swallowed dog could have harmed or even killed the python, Rose said, because dogs have sharp teeth and claws that could do the snake internal damage if it were wrenched out.

The snake was still digesting the dog at the zoo Wednesday. It will soon be relocated to the bush, Douglas said.

Really? Does anybody else not give a fuck about that snake (like me)? He swallowed a damn dog WHOLE. Greedy bastard.

Moral of the story: Stay the fuck out of Brisbane. Don't even bother.

Killadelphia

In honor of my buddy Girl From Park Heights' recent visit to my current place of residence, I've decided to take a little time to enlighten the blogging public as to why Philadelphia should be known as the "City of Brotherly Hate" henceforward.

This past Friday, as I reposed in my mother's living room (in lovely Upper Marlboro, MD), I checked news stories online only to discover frightening news -- a 15 year-old boy got shot. Normally, this wouldn't have troubled me any more than any other shooting in this trigger-happy city... but do you know why he got shot? Yup, you guessed it -- he accidentally hit a guy with a snowball. A snowball.

Last time I checked, snowball fights were the shit on those lovely days when classes fell victim to the elements... the problem is, I didn't know that was a good enough reason to become the next gunshot victim.

Apparently, the snowballee took great offense to this "injustice" and confronted the youth. In typical brazen teenage fashion, the young man returned the favor verbally -- which naturally just further incensed the gentleman. Instead of chalking it up to youthful indiscretion, the man warned the teen that he'd be back for him. The mother of one of the teen's friends advised him to remain indoors and refrain from any further verbal discourse. Of course, the teen didn't listen and went back outdoors. The friend's mother claims that as soon as she noticed he'd left, she opened the front door just in time to see him fall from being SHOT IN THE FACE AT POINT-BLANK RANGE.

Did you bother to click the link? If not, allow me to summarize: The boy died the next day at Temple University Hospital after his family decided to remove him from life support. Now, I understand that the kids in this city are bold, fresh, smart-mouthed sons-of-bitches... but WHY on EARTH did he have to kill the boy? Granted, the boy should've shut his damn mouth -- or better yet, apologized -- but that absolutely does not make it okay to kill him. I'm sorry. As bad as my road rage is and as many people as I've wanted to strike down in my lifetime, I've rarely heard of a crime so heinous. I'm thoroughly disgusted.

Let the countdown to my Philadexodus(TM) begin...

The Bible Says...

A minister in Florida, apparently quite dismayed with the high divorce rates in our society, has issued a challenge to the married members of his congregation in the form of a 30-day challenge.

If you bothered to click the link above, you'll notice that the man actually paid for a billboard to advertise said challenge. For those too lazy to click the link above, an promotional video clip (allegedly) made by the church itself (Relevant Church) has been embedded below:



That's right. He's asking that all married people get down for 30 consecutive days. Why? He points to research which suggests that one can develop a consistent habit over such a period of time (Translation: If you and your wife get funky like K'NEX everyday, then maybe you can prevent your marriage from faltering in the first place -- since sex is allegedly one of the first things to go out the window). I suppose it's some sort of Pavlovian deal? Very interesting, nonetheless. I'm sure there were a lot of guys who have absolutely nothing to do with this church (or any church at all) that have been using it as an excuse to get some...

Wife: "Please, not today... I have such a bad headache!"
Man: "God commands you, woman -- now, get naked!"

I'm sure there are several more humorous variations of that conversation occurring as you read this. If the population in Ybor City, FL suddenly skyrockets, I think we all know who to blame.

Wanna know the best thing I found during my "research" for this blog-ette? This title of this MSNBC article... PRICELESS. That, in addition to the use of the term "hanky-panky" left me chuckling aloud. Ahh, the simple pleasures in life.

So, married people -- stop reading and go do as the good pastor says!

It's Showtime!

Finally -- the strike is over. We can watch TV again and many non-writing staff can get back to working (read: feeding their families who starved while the writers and studios did little-to-no negotiating for about 2-3 months).

I'd like to say that the absence of new episodes of my favorite shows has kept me away from the boob tube and left me to more productive endeavors... but alas, that is sadly not the case -- I merely just found other things to watch. Here is a short list of all the shows which I (re)discovered during the hiatus of my current faves:

1. Parking Wars (AETV)
Very appropriately timed was this show about people in this very city of Philadelphia who've had run-ins with the Philadelphia Parking Authority (PPA) -- and the employees of said organization who enforce their guidelines. It seems like a weird idea on the surface, but it's pretty freakin' hilarious to listen to people's excuses and watch them flip out after receiving citations. As if you didn't know parking on the damn sidewalk wasn't okay... genius. Here's the clincher: I actually got my car towed for the first time ever (Editor's note: I was parked too long on the street during rush hour -- don't even get me started) and they were actually filming footage for this show while I was in there. You'll probably never hear from all the people that I did, but let me just tell you -- most of them deserved their tickets, but to hear them bitch and trash the PPA was HILARIOUS. Almost makes my road rage not seem so bad by comparison... GRADE: B+

2. Pardon The Interruption (ESPN)
There is not much bad I could ever say about this show, pre- or post-strike. For some reason, I'd fallen off in recent months and only now have begun to incorporate it into my daily ritual. This is a great sports show and a must-watch for any sports fan. You get the low-down on all the big sports news, delivered in most hilarious fashion by the hosts (Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon). They bicker and argue like they have no sense, dropping much humorous off-the-cuff commentary along the way. Man, I love me some PTI... GRADE: A

3. Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew (VH1)
I know what you're thinking -- what the fuck, Abe? Well yeah, I'm sorry. I got drawn into this fucking show. Nothing like watching a bunch of rich people bitch about all their problems and how drugs have taken over their lives. Let me tell you something, buddy -- there are not that many of my problems that can't be solved with, I dunno, MONEY! I suppose they all are proof positive that Christopher Wallace's theory holds weight: Mo' Money = Mo' Problems. Our favorite real TV doctor Dr. Drew throws these guys all into one rehab center and attempts to discover the root of their addiction and help them kick it (Editor's note: Very admirable. He's classy. I like him. Plus "Loveline" was awesome). The cast includes such "stars" as:

- Joanie Laurer aka "Chyna" (former pro wrestler/bodybuilder)
- Ricco Rodriguez (ex-UFC champion)
- Jaimee Foxworth aka "Judy Winslow" (the daughter who went upstairs and never came back down)
- Brigitte Nielson (we've all seen and/or heard of her fling w/ Flavor Flav -- haven't we?)
- Daniel Baldwin (almost as unsuccessful as his brother, Billy)
- Jeff Conaway (of "Grease" and "Taxi" fame, presently one fucked up individual)

There are a few more characters on the show, but I think you get the gist by now... GRADE: B

4. The Moment of Truth (FOX)
Well, what more can I say here? The premise of this show is that the producers ask you a bunch of tough questions and randomly select 21 for you to answer again on live TV. Oh, did I mention that you're connected to a polygraph? That's right, folks -- you too can embarass yourself and your entire family for a shot at $500,000! Ever wondered "Geez, how can I get rid of my wife/husband?" -- well, fret not... this show has you covered! All you have to lose is the very fabric of your existence.

I won't front like it's not kinda funny -- I just wish people would think twice before purchasing a "No Sex For Life" gift basket like this... GRADE: C

Well, folks -- that's my starter list of the shows have held my attention (good or bad) during the writers' strike. There were definitely a few more shows that held me DOWN (or HELD me down, it's simply a matter of semantics) -- but I just wanted to get the ball rolling here.

So, what have you been watching?

February 14th

I kinda hate Valentine's Day. By that, I mean I hate what it stands for today. Do I sound like a bitter man, tired of roaming the ranks of solitude? Probably... but the truth is I'm very much the opposite -- I really just don't like this day. It has become a day of self-loathing for single women and overdue, overdone celebration of love for those in relationships. I don't know about you, but relationships are like plants -- I believe that you must prune, feed and water them with relative consistency in order for them to flourish. Personally, I don't know too many couples that thrive on a once annual celebration of love (although a strong argument could be made for anniversaries -- oh wait... most men allegedly don't even remember it in the first place, do they? That's for another day...)

Having a hard time coping with the red & pink bonanza today? Here's my personal advice for surviving this whole wacky thing:

* Couples: Make every day V-day. Well, not literally -- you can't be expected to lavish him/her with luxurious gifts and gestures on a quotidian basis. What I mean is, show him/her every day in some way how you feel. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to perform on February 14th just because society tells you that it is the one day you should go all out. Why not do it on a random Thursday just because you feel like it? I'm the type to buy flowers while I'm out grocery shopping on a Saturday afternoon -- simply because the mood strikes me. It is uncouth to think that one can reserve all shows of affection for one of 365 days per year (not to mention that stubborn leap day). Good days and bad -- make an earnest effort to ensure that your significant other never has to wonder: "Does s/he still love me?" It's always hard to get back to a "good place" once it gets to that point... so if you truly care, don't let that happen.

* Singles: This one is especially for the single ladies out there... but PLEASE stop putting so much value in this day! I acknowledge that not ALL single women feel this way, but there is such a large populace of scorned, bitter women that reveal themselves once per year that it needed to be said. I understand that it's not always fun being single (debatable, but alas -- that's for another day), but why should you allow this one day to raise your distaste to the nth degree? Is it because Hallmark told you that you should be getting a card today? Is it because Godiva moves units like Eminem and Nelly circa 2001? Is it because every florist known to mankind hauls in 10x more receipts on this day than any other this year? Please... it's a joke. Single or not, you are who you are -- and as long as you aren't a bad person, then your time will come. Please don't sit around scarfing down Chunky Monkey or Rocky Road, watching "Sleepless in Seattle" with a box of Kleenex(TM) at your side. There are so many things about which to rejoice that it doesn't make sense to get all depressed on such an artificial day of celebration.

Well, that about wraps up my advice for this year. For those of you celebrating, please don't take this as reprimand or a suggestion that you scale it back. I'll admit that despite my better judgment, women love this day and I go along with it when necessary (which will be forever at this point). If you want to do any and everything to make your woman happy today, then by all means be my guest... I just hope that today isn't the only day you'll make an honest effort to show her how you feel about her.

Happy Make-All-The-Florists-Hallmark-Stores-And-Chocolatiers-Rich Day. May you take from it whatever you wish. Just don't go doing anything stupid like jumping off a bridge -- because I, for one, will most certainly NOT jump in after you.

Road Rage

Note: This rant will veer into the Rated-R realm at times in order to preserve realism (i.e., my mouth and brain often cease communication when I'm behind the wheel, often ensuring overly hilarious monologue -- and I didn't want to completely deprive you of that sweet experience).

Just in case you've never had the pleasure of riding in any motor vehicle of which I was the conductor, allow me to inform you that I have road rage... in fact, it may be one of the single largest heretofore undocumented cases of roadrageism known to mankind.

As a youth, I developed the horrible practice of internalizing all of my frustration and anguish -- which has led to many a vicious outburst in my adult life. This can be no more evident if you've seen/heard me drive through traffic. I have no sympathy for the old man in front of my with the PD tags -- I'm just looking for an extra lane via which I can circumnavigate that slow-ass sumamabitch. I don't care about that couple from Wyoming that is lost and is simply looking for a space to pull over. I wish that flock of geese would test me. Ludacris' "Move Bitch" was music to my ears when first released. Simply put: I turn into a Roadrageasaurus Rex when I'm behind the wheel and have negligible patience levels for bad driving. I'm not overly-aggressive, but it doesn't take much to piss me off.

Recently, I almost killed me a couple of white boys on the Roosevelt Boulevard in Philadelphia (Editor's note: I'm in no way a racist. I love everybody. Seriously. It was just funnier if I tossed that descriptor in there). Roosevelt Blvd may be one of the most treacherous roadways in America. I'm sure somebody has written a vicious smear campaign against this 12-lane behemoth NON-HIGHWAY that runs clear across the northern part of Philadelphia and into the next county. If you could pick a street never to traverse by foot, this would have to go at the top of your list.

So anyway, these two douchebags pull off into the right-most lane. I proceed to make the same move behind them, as I needed to turn right off of this asphalt mastodon; apparently by doing so, I raised the ire of the 2 fine aforementioned gentlemen (Editor's note: To this day, I still don't know how and/or why). They proceed to honk their horns and still their middle fingers out of every orifice of that 2-door shitmobile of theirs. Initially, I passed it off as 2 drunkards going wild after midnight... however, after sitting at a green light for 2-3 minutes as they continued with their aviary gestures -- only to further be fueled by the considerate dose of honk that I began to provide. Suffice it to say that a healthy shouting match ensued. A short chase and near introduction to my steering wheel lock later, I had raised my blood pressure about 7,000 points and later had to ask myself -- why?

I know I have a problem and I need to talk to somebody about it. As a youth, I tried yoga for awhile (to positive results)... but it's obvious that follow-up is very much needed here in my adulthood. I guess I've made the first step already: I'm admitting that I have a problem. Now it's time to attempt positive change. The last thing I'd need is for my life to be taken from me in a flash of anger... or worse yet, to perpetuate the madness by infecting my future progeny with the same affliction. Just like physical abuse, I want to be proactive and end this vicious cycle before it's too late.

In the meantime... GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH -- GET OUT THE WAY!

18-1

I'll try to keep this one short and sweet for you, guys... because there isn't much that I need to say here that wasn't already emphatically stated last night in Arizona on that football field:

All that talk about utter domination can cease now. As much as it pained me, I was cheering for the Giants. Why? Simple -- they played brilliantly down the stretch. Before the game against the Cowboys, I was nervous all week. I knew that the 'Boys weren't playing up to par and that the Giants were on FIRE -- little did I know how hot they truly were. They went on to beat three of the best teams in the NFL and win Super Bowl XLII against all odds (speaking of odds, why didn't I bet on them? I'd be paying someone else to ghost-write this blog as we speak).

Spurred on late by a seemingly supernatural catch by David Tyree, the Giants rallied from a late 4th quarter deficit to defeat the New England Patriots 17-14. Any true fan of football had to be in awe of the great tug-of-war that we witnessed in the final 15 minutes of that game -- one which had been a mighty defensive struggle up to that point.

If you managed to hold down all the beer, wings and pizza you'd eaten after watching the slew of terribly uninteresting $3 million dollar sinkholes they so loosely referred to as "commercials" and held on long enough to see the game to the final whistle, you certainly got a treat.

Unless you were a Pats fan.

There is a lot of talk about Belicheck walking off the field. Look... there were 2 seconds left after Tom Brady's hail mary pass -- which were subsequently run off, added back on, run off and added back on again. The man had no way of knowing that the timekeeper was losing his marbles (Did anyone else notice how the time stayed at 6:12 in the 1st quarter for about 2 minutes?) Whether he eventually realized it or not, he'd already (albeit begrudgingly, I assume) congratulated his former co-worker Tom Coughlin on a hard-fought victory. There was no reason for him not to believe it was over... because it most certainly was.

Hats off to the Patriots for having such an improbably wonderful regular season -- but the ultimate kudos belong to the Giants for refusing to be star struck and completing the job they came to do.

I already can't wait for next season.