English 101

Watching the movie "The Heartbreak Kid" this weekend brought to mind a topic that I love to love: grammar -- of the English variety, to be specific. Ben Stiller's wife in the movie broached the topic of living together and used the word "inhabitate" -- which was fortunately met with great resistance from Ben's character and a request that she consult Webster's Dictionary to seek further guidance regarding the correct verb and its proper usage. As I've said in the past -- I'm no English major, journalist, teacher or member of any other profession in which it is my specific duty to correct the misspeak of society; however, as your friend, it is my privilege and pleasure to share with you just a few of the most commonly misused and abused terms to which my sensitive ears have been victims over the years:

Conversate:
-> Intended meaning: To hold a discussion
-> Example(s): "Why are we still conversating about this?"
-> Correct word: Converse
-> Etymology: A word so often misspoken that it was allegedly added to the dictionary (and/or otherwise recognized) by Webster's New Millennium Dictionary of English. From Biggie to Beyoncé, this fictitious word has been chanted to a melody and recited by music fans worldwide to ill effect.

Irregardless:
-> Intended meaning: Without regard, care or consideration
-> Example(s): "Irregardless, she shouldn't have done that"
-> Correct word: Regardless
-> Etymology: I wish I knew. There is absolutely no excuse for a double-negative in the SAME DAMN WORD. None whatsoever. It's worse than saying "I can't not do this never." What the fuck are you saying? Either you are or you aren't. Both the prefix "ir-" and the suffix "-less" are intended to indicate a lack of something -- whether it be regard, rationale, compassion or anything else human. There is absolutely no sound reason to use both at once. I'd sure like to have a nice conversation with the foolhardy individual who first spread that poisonous, filthy word to the masses so that I might enlighten him/her to the folly of his/her ways.

Be:
-> Intended tense(s): Present Progressive, Present, Imperfect, etc
-> Example(s): "Who be doing that?"; "Why you be saying stuff like that?"
-> Correct wording: Usually the correct tense of "do" or whichever verb succeeds "be"
-> Etymology: Pure colloquialism that has far too often rolled off the tongues of those skilled in American slang -- which is often referred to as Ebonics, in what appears to have been intended as a more PC term and/or empowering to African Americans. Honestly, to suggest that slang is unique or specific to blacks probably generated the inverse of whatever emotion was intended or desired here -- good job. As my buddy Music Snob might say -- DO BETTER!

*Your:
-> Intended meaning: Contraction for "you are"
-> Example(s): "Just call me when your outside."
-> Correct wording: You're.
-> Etymology: As in "you're welcome." Which is what I'll say when you thank me for this later. There are people out there who probably think that nothing is awry in the example that I gave. Naturally, this is an error reserved for writing -- but an utterly complete & comprehensive grammar check is just so far off from reality that we all need to stay on our toes. This atrocity can easily be avoided... if you require assistance, please take a look here for a handy guide. Please also refer to the "their/they're" dilemma.

I'm sure that I've overlooked a plethora of other misnomers and otherwise faulty verbiage (please note that I did not say "verbage"), but I'm hoping that you guys and your lovely commentary will help resolve that issue (i.e., I cracked open the coconut -- now it's time to eat).

I hope that all of my educated brethren will join me in yet another crusade -- this time to bring the everlasting joy that comes with a firm grasp of one's language of birth and to end the seemingly interminable verbal atrocities spewing from the orifices of our fellow Earthlings.


*Only when not intended for use as a possessive pronoun.

So Bad That It's Good

Every once in awhile comes a television event so astoundingly spectacular that it can overcome deep-fried punch lines and transcend pun-filled discourse to nestle its way into our hearts. Perhaps fueled by the lack of original programming on air due to the continuing writers' strike, NBC has struck gold by dusting off old jewelry. With the imminent reentry of Knight Rider to the market, it has become evident that even if somebody else already built it, used it, abused it and re-used it, we will still come back for more if you just wait long enough to try again. Perhaps the most amazing example of which has been the return of American Gladiators -- and fortunately for us, it's almost as cheesy and unforgivably awesome as it was before.

With "The Immortal" Hulk Hogan and the beautiful pugilist Laila Ali performing the hosting duties, the former Saturday morning staple has returned for our viewing pleasure. If corny puns, terribly scripted interviews and thrilling challenges excite you, then this just may be the ticket for you! Where else can you hear a contestant utter the phrase: "Where I come from, assault can get you 3-5... but here, I'm going for 10!!" Did you catch the pun? How clever! Better yet, how about a gladiator saying: "I smell fear, I smell blood... and I'm gonna eat ya!" -- then proceeding to howl like a wolf?! It's all just too bad to be true.

If you've seen the new show and have thought to yourself "Wow, the new Eliminator is extremely hard!" It's probably more likely that you've thought "Man, this is even worse than the original" -- well, I beg you to watch the video below for all the evidence necessary to dismiss that theory once and for all:



It's a little different this time around, but OH MY it's as cheesy as ever! If you were ever a fan of the show, I urge you to watch the new version. Don't think too hard. It's mindless TV drivel -- make no bones about it. But do you wanna know the best part? Nobody cares. Enjoy it for what it is -- mindless fun.

I'll leave you with yet another classic AG moment. Bon appetit!

Enough Is Enough

I'm a Dallas Cowboys fan. Yes, I was born in D.C. and I live in Philadelphia -- but I don't care. Ever since I started watching football, I've always loved something about the Cowboys. I've endured a 1-15 rookie outing from Troy Aikman. I've suffered through 3 consecutive 5-11 seasons. I've celebrated 3 Super Bowl titles in the 1990s (and two prior to my arrival on this planet). I will stick with my team through thick and thin. I will defend them when they're innocent and lambaste them when they deserve scrutiny the most. With all that being said, if I hear anyone else suggest that Jessica Simpson (now known as "Yoko Romo") had anything to do with the Cowboys losing, I may just end up having the grandest conniption you've ever witnessed in your entire life -- and that's coming from someone diagnosed with UFC-like road rage.

It has been suggested that the mere presence of Jessica Simpson provides so much of a distraction that Tony cannot perform well. It has also been suggested that his short Mexican vacation prior to the NFC Divisional Playoff game against the New York Giants was ill-advised, ill-timed and ill-fated. Is the newsworld so slow that people have to create all this fictional hype? Does this writers' strike have media outlets scrambling for clever one-liners?

Seriously, did anyone else hear Patrick Crayton when he said that she'd been to TWO other games this season? Correct me if I'm wrong, but prior to that loss against the Eagles, the Cowboys only lost 1 other game -- against the Patriots. Even if she were in attendance at that game, it is statistically impossible for the Cowboys to have lost every game for which she was present. Also, did anyone else hear Romo, coach Wade Phillips and TE Jason Witten mention that they were GIVEN a few days of vacation? The coach told them to get away from football for a few days so that they could recharge their batteries and come back reenergized for the playoff game. If you had 8 figures in the bank, were given a 2-3 day vacation and had a pretty attractive girlfriend, are you going to tell me that you wouldn't have taken a vacation somewhere tropical? Add to that the fact that Witten and members of Simpson's family were both in attendance. The fact of the matter is that my team played like crap on Sunday. You can't wholly blame any one person.

As T.O. correctly indicated afterward (although you may have been distracted by his display of emotion), they lost as a TEAM. Don't blame the coach for telling them to rest for 2-3 days. Don't blame one dropped pass. Don't blame one missed block. Don't blame one overthrown ball. Don't blame one missed tackle. Simply put they didn't do enough overall to win what was a very winnable game -- PERIOD. It's hard to work your butt off that long, playing through injuries and traveling all over the country for 4-5 months only to LOSE the big one. The Cowboys started to show signs of wear as early as December and it continued in the playoffs; conversely, the Giants started looking like the squad they are on paper and executed when it counted most. The better prepared and disciplined team won Sunday. Too bad they have to face the RED-HOT Green Bay Packers on Sunday.

Did I tell you that Brett Favre is my favorite individual player? Have to love his no-guts, no-glory, balls-to-the-wall mentality. At 38 years of age, he's out there playing like a 28 year-old -- and the Packers are winning. He's broken so many records (both good and bad)... he deserves to walk out of that stadium. with that second Super Bowl ring around his finger and go down in history as one of the most unorthodox, gritty and successful QBs to ever play the game.

Imagine the drama -- the Packers had their fantastic comeback season (13-3, 2nd in NFC) and the Patriots have assembled one of the most statistically impressive seasons in the history of the sport. They've referred to the Packers as the football equivalent of the '83 NC State Wolfpack. I'm not so sure I would go THAT far, but I think it would be safe to say that this could easily be one of the highest rated Super Bowl games in recent history. I'm drooling just thinking about it. I can't wait.

Let's go, #4!

Who Is This Woman?

Apparently, she's a daughter-of-a-bitch.

(editor's note: I've always wondered why we never say that... it seems intuitive, right? Well, don't start now because it's in the process of being trademarked & I'll sue the blog shit outta you if you don't properly remunerate me!)

Her name is Kelly Tilghman, a former Duke women's golfer who last played back when Driving Miss Daisy had just won the Academy Award for Best Picture (she NEVER played on the LPGA Tour). She's not terribly relevant now (unless you consider being the only female announcer on The Golf Channel a sign of relevance)... and apparently, she's not too fond of Tiger Woods. She remarked on air that young golfers should "lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley." Now, perhaps this was some feeble attempt at making a joke about Woods' superiority & dominance over the sport (and alluding to the notion that they try to gain an edge by any means necessary)... or maybe she just straight-up meant what she said. Regardless of her true intent, it came off as extremely tacky, crude and downright inappropriate.

She's not even remotely attractive, successful, talented, popular or otherwise significant enough for this non-average American male to even fiddle with the notion of "overlooking" this calamity. This is the kind of shit that gets members of the media fired quickly. Oh, you're wondering why they haven't fired her.. right? Well, let's break it down like this:

1) She works for the fucking Golf Channel! Have you ever seen or heard of it? Chances are that 99.5% have not and will not.

2) She "apologized" to Tiger the following day (scroll to the bottom to see the blurb) -- as all the best offenders have been quick to do.

3) Well, let's be honest -- these broadcasting conglomerates really try not to fire the offenders until somebody makes a big stink about it. I haven't done the research, but I'm sure there have been quite a few more snafus that have slipped right under the radar and buried their heads in the sane.

I don't really want to care about this as much as I do, but FUCK -- it's 2008, bitch! I don't just want people to stop saying racist, sexist, ageist or anything-ist else offensive -- I want us to stop thinking it in the first place. Then, and only then, can we ever move forward as a society without prejudice.

Too bad none of us will live long enough to see anything near that.

Not-So-Lean Cuisine

"Man kills, cooks and possibly eats girlfriend, police say"

This story was just so wrong on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin, but I just felt the need to address it -- so I'll give it the old college try.

On Saturday, January 5, 2008, a 25 year-old Texan male allegedly called 911 and advised an emergency dispatcher that he had murdered his 21 year-old girlfriend... and was BOILING her body parts at his mom's house. When the cops arrived, they stumbled upon a horrific scene right out of your favorite (not-so-scary) horror flick:

"When authorities arrived at the home, they found Shearer's mutilated body, one ear boiling in a pot of water on the stove and a fork sticking out of some human flesh sitting on a plate on the kitchen table."

Wow. This kind of shit happens in real life? What the fuck is wrong with this dude? To make things worse, he allegedly stabbed the boyfriend of his estranged wife a few days prior. I don't care what anybody says: people like that just don't get better... they just get lobotomized by psychiatric meds. Worse yet, I fear that all the defense will have to do is paint a picture of a mentally disturbed man (how else could you possibly commit such a heinous, atrocious crime against another human?) and get him off easy.

Normally, I'm not an "eye for an eye" kind of guy... but this dude deserves to be Kentucky-fried with all of the Colonel's secret spices and a splash of mambo sauce for good measure.

Random thought: Does it upset anyone else that he may have eaten some of her? Even if he didn't, the fact that the authorities cannot definitively rule it out as a possibility (a piece of flesh on a plate with a fork in it can raise a few eyebrows) perturbs me to a degree. I don't care to see a Hannibal Lecter copycat -- I had enough once I saw him sample Ray Liotta's frontal lobe, thank you very much.

I say throw a REALLY big book at this dude (e.g., the Encyclopedia Brittanica) and make it part of his sentence to read it word-for-word, page-for-page -- he looks like he'll die trying anyway.

Am I a Traitor?

I like Barack Obama. He comes off as very clean, chic, genial, eloquent, motivating, concerned -- and just seems like a cool cat, overall (which you'd be hard-pressed to believe after reading this religion-based smear-fest about him). In fact, he looks like that really cool uncle who bought you better birthday gifts than your parents ever did and let you stay up really late.

Did you notice a glaring omission in my observations? I didn't mention that I like him because he's black. Why not, you ask? It's simple -- because I don't give a flying fuck about that. Ever notice how so many women are jumping on Hillary Clinton's bandwagon because she's a woman and NOT because she's an excellent candidate with good ideas about how to turn our country around? Much like when the Jena 6 and Michael Vick were the topics-du-jour, I choose not blindly agree with the masses. So, I have a question for you: does this point of view make me a traitor? Am I in the wrong here? Short answer: No. Absolutely not.

Just because the man's melanin levels rival mine do not make him the best candidate for me. I'm not even saying that I won't vote for him. I'm just saying that I'd like to compare all of the candidates' ideals against mine and choose the person that best suits my own agenda. I want to vote for the candidate who I believe will be most capable of leading this country in the direction that I hope to see it go. I owe myself that much -- especially when considering how much taxes are borrowed from my paycheck by the government every other week.

So where in the Constitution does it say that I'm required to support any and every one that looks somewhat like I do? Which verse in the holy book of your choosing dictates that I "act black" and be "pro-black" at all times? Not that minorities of all kinds don't deserve opportunities to vie for positions of authority just like the majority, but I shouldn't feel obligated to support them for that reason alone. How many of you know someone that would run you down for being black and not voting for Obama, not supporting Vick, insisting that the Jena 6 did a few wrong things prior to that horrific ordeal and refusing to listen to hip-hop? If I shun Timberland or Nike boots as my choice of winter footwear, does it suggest that I may have fallen & bumped my head with concussive force? Do these things define me as an African-American?

One of the most beautiful things about being an American is having the freedom to choose. I can choose to own a gun (don't worry -- I don't want one). I can choose to vote. I can choose to boo anything or anybody -- even the little kids on Showtime at the Apollo. I can choose which brand of deodorant is pH balanced just for me. I don't live in a communist nation and people shouldn't treat me as such. I used to love Limp Bizkit and listened to their music often. Am I crazy for finding Superbad extremely funny? Is it wrong that I've dated a few white women in my lifetime? Is it wrong that I like John Mayer's voice? Should I have my "card" revoked now for conduct contrary to societal expectations?

I refuse to be characterized one way or another because of my skin color alone. Whether I'm listening to DMX or Coldplay, watching Seinfeld or Martin, The Great Debaters or No Country for Old Men -- none of this changes anything. I am who I am and I like what I like. To those who would try to put me in a box and chastise me for attempting to think or act outside of it, I say this: Kiss my entire ass. Just kiss it.

P.S.: Those Senate Auto Insurance commercials are just awful, aren't they?

I Need Your Help

In case you have just awakened from a 50-year coma, then you are aware that the picture on the left is of a personal computer. Over the years, it has become quite a handy tool for mundane tasks (e.g., word processing & Internet surfing), as well as more complex tasks (e.g., tabulating taxes & viewing full-length porn clips). Honestly, I don't care to imagine my life without mine. I'd feel lost and isolated from the rest of the world. Unfortunately, I get a glimpse of this unconscionable realm every time I go to visit my mother in Maryland.

What does this mean, you ask? A weekend with no e-mail access. No ESPN.com. No instant messaging. No Facebook or MySpace. No blogging. Nothing at all.

You're thinking, "Does she live in Bora Bora?" Well, no -- it just feels like it. My mother came to the US over 27 years ago in search of a better life and education. After settling in the Washington, DC area, she graduated from UDC (yeah, there is such a school) and has worked for Bank of America for over 20 years now -- in an extremely technology-driven industry. Unfortunately, this daily exposure to computers has not translated well to her home life. My mother suffers from Computerilliteratitis -- and she is not alone. You probably know someone who breaks into a cold sweat at the mere mention of Microsoft Office; in fact, you may live with this person. Statistics show that many elderly persons struggle with an even more vicious variant of the virus that renders them unable to muster up the courage to attempt to power up a PC. Many of us have loved ones who suffer everyday... and together, we can stop this menace -- before it's too late.

For less than the cost of a cup of coffee each morning (or less time than you'd spend waiting for it to brew), you can make certain that my mother and others like her get the help that they so desperately need. Oh, so you tithed this week? No worries. If you cannot donate liquid assets, then substitute the greatest of intangibles -- your time. Spend a few minutes a day with someone in need and foster the confidence to do more with a PC than check bank account balances. Help someone learn to type a document in Microsoft Word. Show someone the wonders of Google and YouTube. Illustrate how inappropriate & unacceptable dial-up internet access is with the bevy of high-speed options available in 2008. Teach someone how to make a photo slide-show and be the envy of their friends and co-workers. Bestow upon them the power of Ctrl+Alt+Del.

It's not too late to save my mother and others like her -- but we must act quickly before it's untreatable. Your donation will go directly toward those who need it most. Act now and receive absolutely nothing in return for your kindness.

Now you know -- and knowing is half the battle. The power is yours.